FOOD FOR THOUGHT! – Jackie Little Miller Fine Art

I go to prepare a place for You.

This morning I woke to a still small voice speaking these words to my heart. “I go to prepare a place for you.” But it was spoken to me in a way that I had never heard it before.

As a child my father had given me bible verses to memorize. John 14 1-4 was one of them.

John 14 1-4

“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. ²In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. ³And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. ⁴And where I go you know, and the way you know.”

Even as a child I read these verses as a general statement with out inflection as ” I go to prepare a place FOR you “(all who believe in Jesus and would be saved.)

But this morning the emphasis was different and for the first time I heard it spoken very gently and directly to me to my deepest heart. As a bride groom would speak it to his bride. “I go to prepare a place for YOU.” In that moment I felt so deeply loved. My childhood memorization played the verse though in my mind and I embraced every word of it. Then over and over again I heard Him whisper ” I go to prepare a place for YOU.”

I have walked with the Lord for years, and I’m not ashamed to say that I Love Him. I Love Him more than life itself. But even those who know Him well have times that they walk through Dry and weary places. For me it has been my health, or lack of it. For years I have been wrestled with Weakness that randomly overwhelms my body. It comes and it goes as it pleases, some times staying much longer than I feel it should leaving me discouraged and weary.

I struggle during these time with the question, Why. Why do you not heal me Lord? What is it you want me to learn? In fact I prayed these words out loud Sunday Morning before heading to church. As my Legs were very weak and failing me, But my desire to go and fellowship with others and hear God’s word was so strong.

During the worship service My legs finally failed and I had to sat there to weak to raise my arms, really almost to weak to sit up in my chair. And I admit I felt defeated. At the End of the service The pastor asked if anyone felt distanced from God and felt they needed a renewing of the Holy Spirit to stand so he could pray for us. So I summoned my strength and stood for the prayer. I’d love to say that it was magical and amazing and that choirs of angels started singing. LOL! But none of that happened. Instead when the prayer was over I reached out for my husbands arm and he walked me to our van. Though he walked very slowly it felt like he was dragging me as he ran.

Last night as I lay in my bed before going to sleep, still weary and weak, I called out to God as I have done many times before. I just poured out my heart and all the questions that were running wild in my mind. But then I surrendered to Thy will be done. I told Him that “Even though it doesn’t make any sense to me, even though I hate this feeling of being so weak, even though this and even though that, If this is where YOU need me to be right now Lord, than this is where I want to be. Because I know that You God are good and loving. I know that YOUR plans are for my good to give me a future and hope. YOU have seen me through so many hard times in my life and I have grown closer to YOU though every one of them, and closer to you is where I want to be.

So this morning when He whispered to my heart in a way that woke me to hear it ” I go to prepare a place for YOU.” (Spoken in a way that was directed to me personally, in a way I have never heard this scripture spoken before, with such gentleness and full of love) I knew that whether He heals me on this Earth or not, He is preparing a place for me in eternity. And really, isn’t that all that really matters? I AM LOVED! I am Loved by My Heavenly Father, the Living God, The creator of the universe. And so are you!

Painting by Jackie Little Miller of my son waiting to embrace his child that runs to him.

Three Foot Rule!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Where ever you would call me,

Take me deeper then my feet would ever wander,

that my faith would be made stronger,

In the presence of my savior. (Hillsong United)

My heart has sung this song so many times in the past few years, and my soul meant every word of it. Of course I admit I thought my journeys would be more of the metaphorical type. LOL! This is sort of a ‘Lord send me anywhere but Africa kind of story.” LOL!

So, I left you hanging at the end of January with us putting our house in Oregon up for sale. Our hearts had already made the move to Florida but our heads were still trying to catch up with the game.

This story begins on the third day of showing the house, after the third viewer made us a full price offer and we accepted it. It was so exciting. It was so terrifying. It was wonderful and horrible.

It is so strange how you can feel two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time. But you can! As I started to tell the people I love that we would be moving to Florida for sure I was so surprised by their responses. Our Kids were, of course, so supportive and happy for us. Though they were also very sad as were we. That didn’t really surprise me that much.

Turns out our kids were the easy ones to tell. It was harder to tell my grown grandkids. I figured my Eldest Grandson would be cool with it as he has moved away for work and has a lovely girl friend and is creating his own new life.

My Granddaughter is also grown and off to college and doing a great job of it, and I am so very proud of her! I have a special bond with all of my grandkids, but Em and I have grown even closer over the last few years as she has become a young woman. She loves to come and just hang out with me on stressful weekends when she can get away from school. We laugh together and sometimes cry together. We put puzzles together but our favorite thing is to play a card game called spit. I taught her to play this game years ago when I was at the top of my game, and I’m proud to say she has become the master and has dethroned my record. LOL! When I told her that we were moving, she and I cried together for a very long time.

The whole month of February my husband and I sorted, cleaned, fixed up, packed up, cleared out, laughed and cried. I looked forward to and dreaded every weekend at the same time. On the weekends all the kids and grandkids when they could make it down would come over and spend a couple days helping us with all that needed to be done.

I made a declaration right away that I called the three foot rule. This rule states that if you come within three feet of me you need to stop and give me a big hug. It was great at first, all the hugs were amazing and came with giggles. I was on a mission and excited to get it done. Then at one point I was standing in my bedroom surrounded by all my girls and one of them said out loud ‘Three foot rule” and they all moved in to hug me. I just started the ugly cry right there and then. So of course my eldest Daughter had to get a photo. Photo included along with other three foot rule photos

Ya know sometimes in your life you wonder if you are doing what the Lord wants you to do. You struggle with making decisions and question the sanity of those decisions. I know I do. But this was not one of those times. God showed up and was evident in every step of this process.

Just a few of the ways God showed up :

My husband lost his job/ retired making it possible for us to move, which we never would have decided to do because it wasn’t part of our precious retirement plan.

We both started waking up earlier and earlier for a couple of weeks, not of our own doing, but it just happened. We woke early, worked all day going thru things and going to bed earlier because we were exhausted. So by February our bodies were already on Florida time, before we even moved.
In September of last year we planned a vacation to visit our kids in Florida. We purchased our tickets for February 28th. The tickets were an outrageous price but my husband said to buy them anyway! Which he never does. He is a serious penny pincher. I remember asking him then, “what have you done with my husband!”
Then the sale of our house in Oregon “just happened to” close on February 27th. We flew out the next day. God planned that months in advance for us.
At the beginning of February we needed to book a PODS container to ship our belongings to Florida. At the time we had no idea where we would be moving to. We had looked at a few houses on line but we were planning on moving in with our daughter in law’s parents and then look for a place. We scheduled the PODS container to be dropped off (so we could load our stuff) on the 24th of Feb and pick it up on the 27th. Then it would travel across country and would arrive on the 11th of March. We had scheduled it to be delivered to our son’s house to serve as a storage unit until we found a place.
Then a few weeks later our daughter in law sent us a link to a large house in Lakeland with an in-law suite attached. This was a house we could buy together with them. With Twins on the way they were fast out growing their home. This house was large enough to hold their growing family comfortably and give us our own side of the house. It was beautiful and Lindsay and I decided right away that this was the home for us. It was perfect for us to be close and be able to help out with the new babies and the three older boys. Well we put in a long shot offer and it was accepted over the rest. We closed on that house March 9th and guess what day we moved in? That’s right, the 11th. so on the 9th we changed the Pod’s delivery address to our new address and it showed up before all of our helpers.

This whole move has been filled with things like this. It has been amazing. God is so good! So you would think that I’m on cloud nine all the time. And I am much of the time. I know we are where God wants us. I’m happy to be near my Son’s family and grandkiddos. I love my new home. Yet I miss my Oregon family and friends so very much and my heart aches for them.

I’m a very small town girl who is very uncomfortable with change and now I live in a Big City and Everything in my life is new and different. New state, New house, New neighborhood, new neighbors, New house noises, new vehicle when we can find one we like, new surroundings, New stores, new weather, new church… and hopefully soon new friends! You name it, It’s new.

Since I’ve been here I’ve been warned not to touch any plant unless I know what it is, It might be poisonous. I’ve been warned about alligators, Pythons, fire ants, Some huge spider I forget the name of but we have killed one already, water moccasins, mosquitos, and something they call no-see-ums! But I’m not really worried, I will just never ever leave my house. LOL! Just kidding!

In Oregon all I had to worry about was black widow spiders, rattle snakes, bear and cougars. Oh and BIG FOOT of course. Apparently everything in Florida wants to kill you! Oh Florida has the bears and cougars too! SO I do feel more at home knowing that! LOL!

I guess I am telling you all this to let you know that it’s ok to feel all the feelings. God knew I would miss my Oregon kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, friends, neighbors. And that they would miss me. That is how it should be, because we love each other big! But with every heartache of things I miss, there is joy in the people and things I have here.

I do often still ask myself “Why am I here?” I think it’s still my head trying to figure it all out because my soul always comes right back with “Because the Lord invited you!” It is well with my soul and I do so LOVE MY LIFE!

New Beginnings

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

Have you ever watched a movie where in one scene the character is going on and on about how they would never do something, like I’ll never love again, or I could never marry that man, or You would never catch me doing that… Only to see them in the very next scene doing the thing they said they would never do? Well that is the kind of story I’m about to tell.

The summer I turned 16 my family moved from my childhood home in Ohio, uprooting me from everyone and everything I knew and loved. My best friends, my neighborhood, my big Red farmhouse that I loved, My Grandma… I think you get the picture.

I moved that summer to Texas to live with my sister for three months. Then I moved to California to be with my parents. About a year later I got married and moved into an apartment with my new hubby. Then 3 months later we moved to Oregon to live near family that had settled in Glide, then months later moved to another house in the same small town. Here we had our first daughter. Shortly after she was born my husband got a new job so we moved to a rental house in another small town. Then when I was 19 we purchased our home in Myrtle creek and moved again. In total I had moved 6 times in 3 years.

This is where this story begins. I was so sick of moving that I began digging my heals in and telling everyone that “You will have to drag my dead cold body out of this house because I am NEVER MOVING AGAIN!” This has been my story, my truth for over 40 years now. In fact I said these very words to someone in December of 2022. And meant every word of it.

Our Son moved to Florida years ago before he was married and for the last 6 years or so he and his wife have been suggesting that we could move to be near them. This was always met with laughter and the above statement. You see, I love Oregon. I don’t love Florida! I love my Home here that I have remodeled from top to bottom with my own hands, to be exactly the way I wanted it to be so we would be comfortable and secure during our retirement years.

I love my Yard that I have tilled, landscaped, laid pavers and where every plant that my children have given me on mother’s day over the years are planted and bloom every May! I love laying in our hammocks on hot summer nights star gazing. Something I used to do with my parents, then with our children even with our Oregon grandchildren, and now just the two of us, my precious husband and I and the sky.

Just before Christmas My husband needed to retire early. Details are not important but we were planning on him working about three more years as we saved more money to live off of during retirement. I was devastated, and cried off and on for a week. My security seemed to vanish, my plans pulled away without warning.

This next part will probably not make sense to you, but I’ll try to explain. My family uses movie quotes and song lyrics woven into normal conversations to communicate. It’s our own little language and inside joke sometimes that others just don’t understand. Unless they have seen the movie and catch on. As I woke one morning on the verge of tears again, a quote from the movie Galaxy Quest popped into my mind.

Now for your sake I will give the quote context. The movie is a spoof on Star Trek and there is a character named Guy who was an extra in one of the shows episodes where he ends up dying in the end of said episode. So now we are in the apex of the movie and the evil aliens are attacking. So Guy says to one of the other characters something to the effect like “I’ll just go out and fight him, I’m going to die anyway. The extra always dies…” here the other character grabs his shoulders and says “What if you have this all wrong? what if you are the plucky comic relief?”

I knew the Lord was talking to me, and yes in movie quotes the way I communicate best. I knew that I had been looking at everything from the wrong point of view. What if this wasn’t bad news at all but instead something good? I was reminded that my security was not in my husbands job, or saved up money. Not even in my home, or the things that I hold dear. But it has always been in the Lord!

” My heart grew three times bigger that day!” sorry , another movie quote reference, I couldn’t help myself.

My attitude was changed in that moment, and Just like in The Grinch That Stole Christmas, my heart began to grow and change. Well My life did anyway. With those few words from an obscure weird movie that I love, my heart and mind began a secret mission of changing me. And Not only was the Lord working on me but he was also changing my husbands.

In the first week of January 2023, As I looked out my back door at my garden one day I said to my contented self, “I love my yard!” and that still small voice said “But it is only a yard” and my head and heart agreed and in that moment I felt myself letting go of my yard. Then a couple of days later the same thing happened as I said to myself “I love my house” it was like I was watching myself third person. Seeing myself let go so easily I would think to myself “This is so weird! What is happening.” This went on for days with so many things that I “LOVE”

Then during a video chat with our Florida Son and his family, They told us the great news that they were expecting Twins in July. I was over the moon. But sad at the same time because I already miss my three grandsons and I only get to visit them like once a year. But now it would be 5 grandchildren. But even that didn’t make my mind shift into thinking about moving. Toward the end of the conversation our eldest grandson Grey said “Papa, some day I’m going to come to your house and play with your train set” and I knew that that wouldn’t ever happen. Mom and Dad could never fly here with 5 kiddos in tow. The thought came that the only way he could come play with Papa’s train set was if Papa moved his house to be closer to them.

This thought started growing like a seed inside my heart and my head. I started sneaking a peek at real estate prices in the town the kids live in just to see if we could even afford to get a nice place near them. Prices were comparable and It was possible! and I found a few cute homes that I liked. One evening I sheepishly showed my husband the house I liked best, totally expecting him to put the kibosh on it right away and laugh it off. But what he said floored me. He said ” When we move, we are only taking a few pieces of furniture but we will leave the appliances with the house…” I was so shocked that he was saying it as if the decision was already made.

The next day we woke an hour or so before usual and just started clearing out cabinets and closets getting rid of stuff we didn’t need. Saying “We won’t need to take this with us”… followed by “we probably won’t move, but it never hurts to clear out things we don’t need.” It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. The Lord was covertly changing our hearts to accept it all, and our bodies were listening to him speak, but our heads took a little longer to except it all.

Our Kids all gave us confirmation that this was the right decision and they have spent the last few weekends helping us clear things out , box things up and stage the house. The house went on the market Saturday and Sunday we had two showings. We don’t know where this rollercoaster is headed too. We don’t know how long the ride will be. But we know that God is driving, so we are just throwing our hands in the air and enjoying the ride. I’ll let ya all know how it ends up!

House for sale!

Draw Me Ever So Close

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

Years ago I penned a song titled Draw me Close. It was really a prayer of sorts. The chorus lyrics say:

“Draw me close where I can hear your heartbeat oh Lord. Draw me close where i can feel your Holy Breath on me. Draw me close where I can know that I am your own. Draw me ever so close.”

I suppose when I wrote it my mind envisioned me always sitting on (my Father) God’s lap, always happy, safe, feeling loved and protected.

Many of you know that the last five years have been very hard on me. Let’s face it the last couple of years have been hard on everyone. But about 4 and a Half years ago I lost my sister Sherry. My world seemed to crumble. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think to even pray more than to say “Oh God.” I was either numb or enveloped in crushing grief and gut wrenching sobs. There didn’t seem to be much of anything else in between. I preferred the numbness if I’m being totally honest.

As far as my Faith goes, It never faltered. I never questioned God I was at peace with it. But I was in deep pain from the loss. I went from being someone who boldly came into my Father’s presence praying out loud, to being a little girl, silent in her pain.

I don’t remember much about the first couple of years really, except feeling bad that I wasn’t doing my daily prayer time anymore. (meaning I wasn’t setting aside a specific time and place each day to pray and go through my list of prayer requests and needs.) Instead I sat in silence.

I still talked to God everyday, all the time, though it could not be heard by others, through the whispers of my soul. I just couldn’t bear the thoughts and pain of verbalizing it all. I don’t even think I could concentrate enough to put things in a coherent voice. You know the feeling. You have one of those days when you are hurting so bad inside. Maybe you are at work or at school and you hope you don’t see your best friend. You know if you even make eye contact with them you will just burst into tears and do the ugly cry in front of God and everybody. Well it was like that, except it was with God only. I couldn’t bear to make eye contact with Him.

The enemy always comes to shout at me in times when I’m wounded. I bet he does for you too. I would hear him say “You should be praying every day! God is going to be mad at you because you don’t talk to him anymore. You are probably not even going to go to heaven if you don’t start doing all the things God expects you to do!” I was tempted to believe all of the lies and did believe a few for a time. Strangely enough though, even when the enemy was yelling at me, I knew it was ok to sit in my silence, God knew what my soul couldn’t verbalize and He understood me and still loved me.”

Covid came crashing in to our world. Concerned that they might bring the illness with them and it in turn would bring death with it to my husband and I, my children and grandkids stayed away. For the first month or so my husband didn’t even hug me much because he worked with the public and was afraid he would bring it home and I guess afraid it would kill me. So even though we were in our isolation together I felt so alone. My soul whispered a little quieter and the hurt got bigger.

It was during this time that our youngest Son came over to visit me (OUTSIDE, from a distance) and told me he had cancer. The word Lymphoma was SO BIG and SO SCARY. I couldn’t even hold him or kiss him the way a mother’s heart needs to in a time like that and I will never get that moment back to do it right. For days after that day every once in a while I would make Eye contact with (my Father) God and the dam would burst and I would cry the ugly cry uncontrollably and unburden my soul. Afterword only to pull myself into a ball again so my soul could cry out in a whisper once more.

On and on it goes, one thing after another troubles came. New pains, New Illnesses, new trials, losses of people I loved, depression, heavy weights taking residence in my soul,… Some to heavy to bear, Some just heavy because I was carrying so much already. Again eye contact would be made. Again I would do the ugly cry and plead out loud for mercy. Again I would pull myself up into a ball and again my soul cried out in whispers. The Enemy yelled louder at me but again I knew it was ok, God knew what my soul couldn’t verbalize and He understood me and still loved me.

Today I was actually praying out loud. I was singing and talking to Jesus out loud as naturally as breathing. I really don’t know when I started doing this again. I’m sure it happened just a few words at a time, probably weeks apart. But today I noticed what I was doing. When I did, I saw as clear as day a Daddy holding his crying child who had fallen and hurt herself one too many times. The child pulled up tight and pressing into her daddy’s chest. Though the memories of the pain were fresh in her mind, her dirty bloodied knees were now numb by the grace of God. But every once in a while she would open her eyes and see the blood and relive the fall and the pain. Because she anticipated renewed and maybe even greater pain she refused to let him touch her wounds to clean them and bandage them, pushing his big hands away. Then she would cry louder, sure that she would surely bleed to death before this terrible ordeal was over. Again she would ball up tight protecting her knees. while her daddy drew her in closer to his heart to reassure her that he would heal her pain. Placing a kiss on her forehead and whispering in a small voice for only her to hear, telling her “It’s ok, Daddy is here. I know it hurts but it will get better. I love you child!” And immediately I was reminded of the title to the song I wrote years ago.

The picture the Lord showed me told me loud and clear that though the enemy had shouted bold faced lies about God never wanting me near Him again after the way I have neglected Him, My Father God was holding me on his lap, Drawing me Ever So Close, all that time, And now clearly I could Hear God’s heart beat and feel His Holy breath on me as He was telling me, “It’s ok, I hear your soul’s whispers just fine and I understand. I love you child.”

It hadn’t been in the Happy Safe feeling times that I had imagined when I penned the song but in the balled up, soul whispering times that my prayer of drawing close to God was answered.

Life can be hard. I cry for a different family member with cancer now. But it’s also so VERY BEAUTIFUL. I have an amazing new grandson that I haven’t met yet but I’m so blessed that he is healthy and happy. Time is healing my grief. My son’s cancer is in remission. Covid, well wasn’t the monster my children had imagined for me. Though it came to visit several times and stayed far to long. It is gone from our home for the time being. Life goes on. New trials are on their way I’m sure. Old ones still linger, not anxious to leave. My God is GOOD and FAITHFUL and He keeps His promises. But most importantly He has faithfully DRAWN ME EVER SO CLOSE, and it is well with my soul.

Matthew 11: 28-30 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Grief is a Strange Animal

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

It has been Six months since my big sister/ best friend passed away. Six Months of grieving, six months of not being able to breath, six months with very little creativity and art; and Four months since I created my last piece titled A Time to Mourn. Though it may be my best to date. It expresses my grief more then I could ever express it with words.

Grief is such a strange animal. I thought I knew this beast well, because I have met it on many occasions before.

This time somehow, it seams bigger and meaner. It seems to have backed me against a wall separating me from my creative side. It seems that with every attempt to vest this beast I am left feeling as though I have lost my artistic balance and I drop my brushes in defeat, frozen, temporarily paralyzed and unable to move my arms and mind into submission.

But I am not one to give up, I am brave, and bull headed. So I keep charging in and making myself go though the motions. Knowing that deep inside me creativity is alive and well and will eventually surface and be the victor. Each day I am desiring more and more to create again. I want to force myself past this dragon of grief and go to my favorite place to live, in the land of laughter, sunshine and creating things. Because I just want to be happy again.

I have to say though that It is not a scary monster, it’s just big and in my way and becoming very annoying. Like Rex from the movie Toy Story where he says “I’m going for fearsome here, but I just don’t feel it. I think I’m just coming off as annoying.”

I know that this beast called grief is not my enemy, or an enemy to my art. He may even be there, larger than life, to protect me from something that would wound me deeper while my heart heals. I need to let him stand there and do his job. In the end it will cause me to be a better artist, painting with more feeling and emotion.

For without the darkness, one can not truly enjoy the light. Without the tears and pain, one can not truly appreciate the laughter and Joy. Without the experience of devastation one can not truly appreciate the creative process.

Thank you all for being so understanding and supporting me during this painful time for me. May God richly bless you!

First and Final Breaths

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

I’ve been called out in the middle of the night, to race to the bedside of a friend or family member, to help usher in new life many times. With the knowledge that the time was near, I would set out my clothing in a neat pile so that I could hastily put them on and be out the door within minutes of getting the call to action. Unable to fully give into sleep, afraid I might miss the call. Anticipation filled my mind as I lay thinking about how this could be the night. Eventually, the awaited call would come and I would jump out of my bed and rush out the door.

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Hours would pass as my sister and I would bathe troubled brows, put pressure on lower backs, and talk women through each contraction; helping them to relax, easing their pain, whispering words of encouragement and love into the ear, and words of the life that was to soon come. Long painful minutes often stretched into back breaking hours of bending over beds with no thought of our comfort, only thoughts of helping to ease and comfort others.

How many time have I held a hand as life struggled to make its way into this world, to take it’s first breath? 50? 60? It’s a moment that takes your breath away, Unexplainable, sacred, and Holy. A moment celebrated with laughter, tears, and relief. And I was honored to be present for so many.

~~~

As I sat by my sister’s bedside Christmas Eve 2017, I reflected on how much the last days and hours ushering life out was much the same as ushering life in.

For weeks I lay in my bed at night, phone by my side, a pile of clothes ready to be put on at a moments notice. But this time instead of waiting with great excitement and anticipation, there was anxiety, my chest tight with sorrow and worry. Tears wet my pillow, as I would see my sister in my mind, wasting away. I was haunted by the thought of losing her. I needed to be there with her, with all my heart. You see, she had been by my side since I was born. She was there for every major and minor event of my life and my children’s lives. I had to be able to care for her, yet I was afraid that I wouldn’t be called in time to rush to her side.

My sister loved Christmas and last wish was to be home for Christmas Eve (The night of their annual Christmas party. She wanted to be with her family. It was a very subdued and quiet party in the living room that night. We all took turns going into her bedroom where there were several chair by her bedside and soft Christmas music playing. Some came in to say their good byes, others crying, some just sitting in silent vigil.

When the hour was getting late, reluctantly, her grandchildren were taken home and tucked into their beds. Christmas music was turned off and we whispered into Sherry’s ear that she had made it through Christmas with the family. All the kids were home in their beds and that it was Ok for her to go to her new home to her eternal life with Jesus.

I was blessed to be able to stay, with a few other family members, to spend one last night with my sister. To tend to her needs, to make sure she was comfortable. I bathed her brow with my tears, Knowing that her pain would soon be over. Whispered words of encouragement and love into her ear, words of the life that was soon to come with Jesus. I held her hand for long emotionally painful minutes that silently slipped into back breaking hours of bending over her bed with no thought of my own comfort, just wanting, needing to do anything and everything I could to ease the last hours of this precious Woman, that had done so very much for me, and that I loved more then life itself !

How many time have I held a hand as life struggled to make its way out of this world, to take it’s final breath? One! It was a moment that took my breath away, Unexplainable, sacred, and Holy. A moment celebrated with tears, sorrow and yet relief. And I was honored to be present for her birthing into Heaven.

My heart aches now, more then I ever thought possible. I have never hurt this bad or this deeply before. Speechless and sometimes breathless, but never hopeless, and maybe even a little jealous. WHY?

Because: I know My Redeemer lives, and I know that my sister is with Him in heaven today, seeing Him face to face. Oh, How I envy her that. For it is what I long for most in life. I long to see my Jesus and thank him for all that he has done in my life! To thank him for giving me such an amazing sister and family, and allowing me to love others as He has loved me for as long as He has planed for me to do so!

Beautiful things rarely happen in our lives without pain being present. Pain is part of life. I don’t fully understand that, or even like it, to be honest. But I know that without darkness we would not know what light is. With out sickness we do not appreciate health, and without pain we could not truly experience joy. I do not understand God and why he chooses to do what He does. I argue with Him quite often, thinking I know better then He does. I also know that He is big enough to handle my little temper tantrums.

His ways are not my ways. I have learned to trust and respect that, surrendering every aspect of my life to Him! Because I know the plans He has for me, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give me a future and a hope! (Jer 29: 11)